midnight cravings.

A great way to curb those late night cravings is to watch a bunch of videos on youtube of people popping giant zits and boils.

Perfectionism

I think if most people stepped into my house they would not say "Now this, this is the home of a perfectionist!" I live an admittedly cluttered life, but only recently realized that this stems from a weird sort of perfection.

For example, while cleaning today, I picked up a book that needed shelving. When I got to the bookshelf, I felt that the bookshelf must be organized before I can put the book away. Eeventually I'd find something on the bookshelf that needed attention, and before you know it, I have even more of a mess than I started out with. Today I managed to put the book away without tackling the whole shelf, but it's something I have to consciously talk myself out of. If I'm going to wash the mirrors, but have only a little bit of windex left, I feel that they're not really clean. I'd be much happier if I had a brand new bottle of windex to use. If I had my way, my brain would demand a brand new bottle of cleaner or a fresh new shirt or brand new toothpaste every day. Luckily, I don't have the financial means for that.

The same goes for eating, to a degree. If the dishes aren't done, or things aren't tidy in the kitchen, I feel that I can't start cooking. Often times, this means eating out, or making something really simple, and often carby. Rice has always been my staple food. Back when I was vegan, if I wasn't sure what to have for dinner, the first thing I did was put on the rice cooker. I could sort out the remainder while that cooked.

Tonight we're having a Mediterranean cod dish for dinner, and I'm tussling about in there, getting things to an acceptable level of clean. Already I've rearranged the appliances and organized the magnets on the fridge. However, the kitchen is no closer to being clean.

When my brain starts moving this way, I often forgo eating, or binge eat. Today was the former, as I've had only diet Dr Pepper and V8.


I also resisted the urge to weigh myself today (which happened every time I was in the bathroom). I think it's wise to only weigh myself once a week, for a more accurate reading. I'm sure I'll go up and down throughout the week, but this way, I'll see the overall change.

More on my bizarre mental problems later! Happy Thanksgiving! (Canada already had Thanksgiving in October, so I'm not at risk to be tempted by pumpkin pie)

the beginning!

Here we are, the official beginning. Recently, I stepped on my brother-in-law's scale and instead of giving me a number, it said "ERROR!"

Suffice to say, that was somewhat a wake-up call.

So today I got up the energy (and a healthy dose of denial) and bought a scale that weighs up too 400lbs.

And I'm 12lbs from erroring that one out.


Things have to change. My back hurts, my asthma is insane, I look terrible and I'm a complete fucking wackjob.

I'm doing the South Beach diet. Currently in phase one, which is no carbs. Lasts for 2 weeks - 1 month. I have eaten a lot of lettuce, low fat cheese and sugar free jello. I would kill someone for a mashed potato sandwich right now.

So here goes:

Current weight: 388
Highest weight: 388 (let's hope)
Short Term goal: 350
Long Term Goal: 180
Lbs to go: 208

Tomorrow I take hideous unflattering pictures of myself (read: full body) so I'll have something to compare myself to later.